We found Stlian in a stormy state. He hadn't been killed, or even horribly maimed, but as he said something to the effect of once, physical pain is nothing next to emotional pain. Physical pain he can handle. No, he hadn't been killed. By one of his infamous miracles, he escaped, and he ran. He'd been in hiding, trying to cut off his emotions once and for all because of what he had done-- It was he who damaged my memory. Destroyed a piece of it, really, to protect me from a power I had no business pursuing, and wasn't ready for. I'm glad Father and I found him before he lost himself completely, or else he might have been.. for all intents and purposes.. dead. I'm glad he knows that we understand why he did what he did.
That was a while ago.
Today, I'm sitting in my workshop in Azure, awaiting an ambush that I may not return from. This time, I am not prepared to kill my enemy. Keren, if you ever hear this, please feel free to pause the recording now and laugh your head off. It's not irreverent. It's only fair. That said, I suppose I should look back, and try to see where this story really began.
I guess you could say it began years ago, when Dasha first started pursuing my friends and me. She'd been a minor threat, like most inquisitors, but it wasn't until shortly after Zan's faked death that we really fell into trouble with her. That's how she got at us, the first time. See, Zan had faked his death from family as well as foe, and it was a dark time. Dasha offered a clue as to his whereabouts. It was obviously a trap, but on the off-chance it wasn't Muaarga, Caelorn, Maegi, and Ali and I marched into its jaws. Surprise. We got snared. The encounter kicked off a whole hellstorm that escalated into the eventual fall of New Horizons; which, by the way, is a ghost-town to this day. Much was destroyed. Many were killed. I hated Dasha for it.. even when she was killed, I wished I could kill her again.
Little did I know I would soon get the chance, but for all the hate from before, it proved to be an impossibility. Not a tactical one, mind you, but a moral one. I remember a master I once trained under for a short time, by the name of Danderson. We didn't know each-other long, but still, he impressed on me some valuable lessons. I learned to tune my caution and vigilance, and to know my limits. Once, in a lesson involving the dark side, I'd asked him whether I had fallen. He answered with "Would you kill a child for power?" which, of course, the very idea shocked and outraged me. Clearly, looking back, that's what it was meant to do.. as I remember the confidant expression on his face, and the calmness with which he explained what that reaction meant. When Stlian and I found the young clone of Dasha delivered into our hand on Talus, our anger tried to justify to us what it thought we ought to do. She wasn't really a child, it told us, she was a time-bomb.. a tactical threat.. a perversion of nature grown to betray us if we let our guard down to it. Thankfully, we didn't listen to it, reminding each-other of how twisted a result would come of it. The Dasha that came to us was a different one.. an innocent one.. an outcast.. a child who was told she was a monster, and who was just as much a victim of the old Dasha as I was or any of my friends were. I grew to love her as my own, and though Stlian and I tried as long and as hard as we could to protect her.. in the end, we failed. I failed. When they came for her, we couldn't save her from them.
We searched for her until the trail grew cold, and then finally, she appeared.... as an enemy. She was grown, physically, and her powers and memory had been restored. She was trying to kill me. It was just before Blake was born, and I couldn't risk sticking around to figure out what was happened. I ran from her. Though there were later encounters, it was clear that it had again become a game of cat and mouse between us, and this time, we knew our enemy well. The only problem is she's not the same enemy as before. No matter what, I can only see her now as the child on Talus. Her actions aren't her own.. she's a slave to the dark side that's consumed her, and the authorities that command her. I believe that she canbreak free of them, if she only finds the will to do it, and knows she has a place to go once she's done it.
That's why I wait for her now. That's why, when she marches in through this door ready to capture me, I'm going to let her in. I'm going to try to get her alone. I'm going to try to talk to her.
Before it would have seemed selfish to take such a risk, but there's another reason it can be afforded now. I'm dying. Soon. Before the seasons change, actually. I've been fortunate enough to see it coming, and to prepare my family for the result of this premonition as best I can. I don't know how it's coming, or exactly when, but I have my eye open.
This comes from a recent happening on Kashyyyk. Yes, I'd gone back to Kashyyyk. I had given my word of oath to, and though I was.. under the influence.. at the time, never let it be said that Nyx-Warda will betray her given Word of Oath. Besides, that wasn't all the motivated me. The request itself was from Plo. He'd been having hard times with spice.. the use of it, and the trade of it, with one always seeming to draw him to the other. I had fallen into a relapse myself, though I never went back to Flash or anything hard and overclocking like before. On the day in question, Plo found me spaced on Gabaki and sweetblossom leaned against a tree somewhere on Corellia. I fund out later I was only mere meters from the family bunker in Libria.. but in any case, that's off topic. The trip to Kashyyyk was proposed as a sort of rehab. It was intended to give us a place to hide out until the heat died down, and sober up, and see to it that we didn't do anything stupid in the meantime. Unfortunately.. only one of us returned from that trip.
Furthermore, during the course of it, I'd used.. variants.. of Sain's power. It was the same power Stlian sought to protect me from, but then, it was different. The way I had learned it, and had planned to use it before was purely dominant. It involves influencing another mind to the point where you can meld with it, even corrupt it to your will, and ultimately consume it. It's a dark and dangerous power.. and one that I wasn't ready for. Keren was right, using the power the way Sain did was an ends within itself, and would be a corruptive force that would ultimately consume the user like it did Sain. There is however, as always, another side to the coin... one that I discovered on Kashyyyk. This power can be used to give, instead of take. It can be used to free, as well as imprison. I've even gone as far as to be able to lend my own powers to others. Yet, I know I can't keep it up for long. It's taxing on me. A living being was not meant to have this power.
That's when it dawned on me, and that's what leads me to where I am now. There's more to report, namely concerning the Nix blades, but it's getting late. Stlian knows all about it if I fail to be able to report later. Another risk I'm taking in light of my premonition. I'm not throwing my life away. I take the vision of my death, and these new powers as a sign. A sign to cast away fear before it's too late.. because if I don't.. well... it'll be too late. May the force guide me.
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