Why do I have to do this? Why couldn't I just keep it together long enough for Keren to go back to Tempestus happy? Why did I have to go and do the one thing Lawrence feared of me? I let them both down, though neither would want me to believe it. I lost my head today.
*She takes a deep breath, as she decides to explain from the begining.*
Lawrence went out for an errand today. I planned on sneaking off to another city on Dantooine to start my seach for Xanthya. I geared up, and was loaded for Graul by the time Keren came by. He caught.. *Ahem* ..found me.. just before I made it off-base, and told me that I don't need to look for her, because he had already spoken to her. Good news. Finally, good news. He said they had talked, and that she would wait for him, and that he would trust in the force to guide him until he could come back to her. I was so happy for him.
Then he mentioned the 95th. The fact he mentioned going back to them wasn't what bothered me. It was just.. I couldn't stand to hear him say what he said. He told me he had no choice but to go. He talked about how "Bloodthirsty" the others were.. and he said that they were born that way. I forgot everything else, and told him what I thought of that. I insisted that he did have a choice. I admit that by the time I got into it I was talking more about myself than the 95th.. when I began to talk about having to love the fight so you don't hate it.. when I said that you begin to need it.. when I tried to tell him that even in peace, you're still at war in your mind. He said he understood why I snapped at him so, but that didn't help. I didn't want him to understand- I didn't think he could if he never felt it for himself. I practically begged him to admit that he did have a choice, and that he didn't have to become this way if he didn't want to.
*She continues in a softer tone.*
Keren insisted that they and I weren't really the same, but I wish he hadn't. It only made me realize that what he had made them out to be matched my own self more than what I had perceived of them. I could hear the phantom whisper in my ear as he spoke, reminding me of my fears, and telling me things I couldn't deny. It was true.. he had only seen the good of me.. he's never seen me kill.. he's never seen me be as underhanded as I have to be.. he's never seen me fail, except when I failed him, and that damn near drove him away. I tried to tell him about it, but he said it couldn't really be true, or else he wouldn't have ever seen the good in me.. and he would never have cared for me.. I couldn't speak. He only believed in me because he cared about me,a nd that was based on... What was I doing? Why was I still standing there? Why was I letting him believe in this.. illusion.. he had created for himself? Had he convinced himself that I couldn't do wrong as I had, and made myself and the others believe that I was "cured" because of that? Was it all a lie?
Keren was still speaking to me as this ran through my head. He wanted me to say something. I couldn't. I tried, but I wasn't making sense. He held me there by the shoulders, and almost shouted, trying to get me to speak. I had to leave. I don't know what I did. For a second I gave in to my fear, and let it fuel me and guide my hand. I must have pushed him away, because at some point I jumped on my Peko Peko, and tried to get out, but he was still calling after me. I tried to hear what he said, but his words were twisted in my mind before they reached me. Finally, one thing broke through. He told me.. I promised to never abandon him again. He was right. I was betraying him again. I didn't know what to do. My mind shut down. I lost my grip.. and I fell.. and I didn't know if I could catch myself.
I didn't know what would happen next.. but the next thing I knew, Keren had caught me, and he was trying to see if I was alive. I almost wished that he hadn't, and had just left me to whatever fate would bring. I thought that maybe it would be better for me to pass on, and not have anyone worry about my turning, and take that damned phantom with me so it can't harm anyone else. I told him I should have left this world long ago, but I was always too afraid to show myself out. I've faced the void before, and though I was saved from it, I still fear it. I know that's where I'm headed if I don't end up breaking even with the galaxy, and if that is what the force wills, maybe that's what I deserve. Is it right for me to be here still, and be a danger and a cause for worry, because of something that's my own fault? I tried to hang on to my senses long enough to try to explain. I've sacrificed one life in the intrest of sparing many from harm. Have I become the one life that is causing my friends and family harm? Still, Keren didn't want to give up on me. I had to smile at him.. his war.. his "quest" ..is to fight for hopeless causes. He even told me himself. That was the last thing I knew, and all I needed to hear, before I finally let go, and fell into an empty, dreamless sleep.
When I woke up, I was home, and he was there making sure I wasn't dead. I was on the couch, and someone had got blankets on me. I still don't know what became of my gear, but that was the last thing on my mind, then. Who am I kidding? I always notice when I'm missing my gear... *sigh* I never mentioned it, though, because I had only then realized what just happened, and was trying to keep my head. Keren asked if I was all right, and if I remembered anything from before I passed out. I mentioned something about wanting to be who he thought I was, and he said that I already was- that I was someone who kept on fighting, and it didn't matter if I "Broke even" because there was good in me. I told him that every gambler knows you ain't won til you've broke even, and I'd been Pazzak with my life a long time. I figured I could count the cards... just didn't count on the Galaxy having an Ace in the hole. I never was one to cut my losses and fold, but what matters is how many chips you got on the table when it's over. Don't know if that little speech made any more sense than my rambling earlier, but it seemed to go down a little easier when I put it to him like that. He made it clear that he'd be there to spot me a few creds when the chips were down, but I didn't go on and try to make him believe how far in the hole I was, or tell him I wasn't the sort who wants to send my friends to teh poor-house to pay my own foolhardy debts. For then, I was thankful, and I didn't want to add to his troubles. I just wanted to move on.. to keep fighting- because by then I knew I had to do that much.
Keren soon left for his flight to tempestus, and called Lawrence to tell him about the trouble. He has been... impossible to read.. even for me. For the first time scince I've married him, I can't tell what he's thinking when he looks at me. He worries me.. why doesn't he want me to see? He's stayed with me, still, and taken care of me.. finally he's resting. I can't believe I was going to.. to sneak away.. What was I thinking? Lawrence tells me not to worry about it.. that I should worry more about meditation, and resting, and trying to clear my head before I ask anymore questions. So... I suppose I should take his advice now that I've finished my log. Maybe things will be more clear in the morning.
*END*
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*She takes a deep breath, as she decides to explain from the begining.*
Lawrence went out for an errand today. I planned on sneaking off to another city on Dantooine to start my seach for Xanthya. I geared up, and was loaded for Graul by the time Keren came by. He caught.. *Ahem* ..found me.. just before I made it off-base, and told me that I don't need to look for her, because he had already spoken to her. Good news. Finally, good news. He said they had talked, and that she would wait for him, and that he would trust in the force to guide him until he could come back to her. I was so happy for him.
Then he mentioned the 95th. The fact he mentioned going back to them wasn't what bothered me. It was just.. I couldn't stand to hear him say what he said. He told me he had no choice but to go. He talked about how "Bloodthirsty" the others were.. and he said that they were born that way. I forgot everything else, and told him what I thought of that. I insisted that he did have a choice. I admit that by the time I got into it I was talking more about myself than the 95th.. when I began to talk about having to love the fight so you don't hate it.. when I said that you begin to need it.. when I tried to tell him that even in peace, you're still at war in your mind. He said he understood why I snapped at him so, but that didn't help. I didn't want him to understand- I didn't think he could if he never felt it for himself. I practically begged him to admit that he did have a choice, and that he didn't have to become this way if he didn't want to.
*She continues in a softer tone.*
Keren insisted that they and I weren't really the same, but I wish he hadn't. It only made me realize that what he had made them out to be matched my own self more than what I had perceived of them. I could hear the phantom whisper in my ear as he spoke, reminding me of my fears, and telling me things I couldn't deny. It was true.. he had only seen the good of me.. he's never seen me kill.. he's never seen me be as underhanded as I have to be.. he's never seen me fail, except when I failed him, and that damn near drove him away. I tried to tell him about it, but he said it couldn't really be true, or else he wouldn't have ever seen the good in me.. and he would never have cared for me.. I couldn't speak. He only believed in me because he cared about me,a nd that was based on... What was I doing? Why was I still standing there? Why was I letting him believe in this.. illusion.. he had created for himself? Had he convinced himself that I couldn't do wrong as I had, and made myself and the others believe that I was "cured" because of that? Was it all a lie?
Keren was still speaking to me as this ran through my head. He wanted me to say something. I couldn't. I tried, but I wasn't making sense. He held me there by the shoulders, and almost shouted, trying to get me to speak. I had to leave. I don't know what I did. For a second I gave in to my fear, and let it fuel me and guide my hand. I must have pushed him away, because at some point I jumped on my Peko Peko, and tried to get out, but he was still calling after me. I tried to hear what he said, but his words were twisted in my mind before they reached me. Finally, one thing broke through. He told me.. I promised to never abandon him again. He was right. I was betraying him again. I didn't know what to do. My mind shut down. I lost my grip.. and I fell.. and I didn't know if I could catch myself.
I didn't know what would happen next.. but the next thing I knew, Keren had caught me, and he was trying to see if I was alive. I almost wished that he hadn't, and had just left me to whatever fate would bring. I thought that maybe it would be better for me to pass on, and not have anyone worry about my turning, and take that damned phantom with me so it can't harm anyone else. I told him I should have left this world long ago, but I was always too afraid to show myself out. I've faced the void before, and though I was saved from it, I still fear it. I know that's where I'm headed if I don't end up breaking even with the galaxy, and if that is what the force wills, maybe that's what I deserve. Is it right for me to be here still, and be a danger and a cause for worry, because of something that's my own fault? I tried to hang on to my senses long enough to try to explain. I've sacrificed one life in the intrest of sparing many from harm. Have I become the one life that is causing my friends and family harm? Still, Keren didn't want to give up on me. I had to smile at him.. his war.. his "quest" ..is to fight for hopeless causes. He even told me himself. That was the last thing I knew, and all I needed to hear, before I finally let go, and fell into an empty, dreamless sleep.
When I woke up, I was home, and he was there making sure I wasn't dead. I was on the couch, and someone had got blankets on me. I still don't know what became of my gear, but that was the last thing on my mind, then. Who am I kidding? I always notice when I'm missing my gear... *sigh* I never mentioned it, though, because I had only then realized what just happened, and was trying to keep my head. Keren asked if I was all right, and if I remembered anything from before I passed out. I mentioned something about wanting to be who he thought I was, and he said that I already was- that I was someone who kept on fighting, and it didn't matter if I "Broke even" because there was good in me. I told him that every gambler knows you ain't won til you've broke even, and I'd been Pazzak with my life a long time. I figured I could count the cards... just didn't count on the Galaxy having an Ace in the hole. I never was one to cut my losses and fold, but what matters is how many chips you got on the table when it's over. Don't know if that little speech made any more sense than my rambling earlier, but it seemed to go down a little easier when I put it to him like that. He made it clear that he'd be there to spot me a few creds when the chips were down, but I didn't go on and try to make him believe how far in the hole I was, or tell him I wasn't the sort who wants to send my friends to teh poor-house to pay my own foolhardy debts. For then, I was thankful, and I didn't want to add to his troubles. I just wanted to move on.. to keep fighting- because by then I knew I had to do that much.
Keren soon left for his flight to tempestus, and called Lawrence to tell him about the trouble. He has been... impossible to read.. even for me. For the first time scince I've married him, I can't tell what he's thinking when he looks at me. He worries me.. why doesn't he want me to see? He's stayed with me, still, and taken care of me.. finally he's resting. I can't believe I was going to.. to sneak away.. What was I thinking? Lawrence tells me not to worry about it.. that I should worry more about meditation, and resting, and trying to clear my head before I ask anymore questions. So... I suppose I should take his advice now that I've finished my log. Maybe things will be more clear in the morning.
*END*
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