There's too much to take in now... I tricked myself into sleep, but that was wrong. It's my mind that needs rest moreso than my body. It's my curse to never have peaceful rest in both at the same time. I still need to be alone... ish. I need to talk this out, and I'm not prepared to talk to anyone else yet.
Stlian and I... we persued my mother's medical records from my birth on Corellia. He helped me break into the hospital and hack the terminal with an ID I found. He found her. He also found that the doctor who delivered me was Sain, and that he had reported that I died the day I was born. I instantly remembered Zan's words... Sain has had me for a long time... It makes sense now. I'm sorry to say, my emotions blinded me. My first thought was betrayal. He knew all along... just like the alliance, he withheld the story from me. Why? I didn't care at the time. I was overcome. I blacked out.
I wake up confused... disoriented... in a strange place. I realize Stlian is there. He saved me. Jumped out the window with me while I was too blinded in my rage to focus.. to think.. or even to maintain my shroud. I could have gotten us both killed had he not acted quickly. I failed him.
Yet... there was still more road to cover. He found, listed as my mother's sole contact, the name of his uncle. Stiltian Nix. We didn't understand how they could have been connected. Then.. he suggested we dig up the old complex. Well.. he's an archaeoligist.. it's what he does. I was surprised that wasn't the first thing he'd have looked for, yet now, I suppose he was afraid of what he might find. Nevertheless, we set out. Started at Libria, and wandered the outlying areas until... there it was, hiding in plain sight. It was an old, dilapidated bunker. Where it was once surrounded by trees and wilds, a cheap housing development had been built around it. The door did not take much to force, and we made our way through the dusty, abandoned rooms, and down a service laddar, until we found a single terminal that by some miracle is still running. He lent me his sight so that I could search the terminal, and we found no end of personal family records. One such file was a communications log for a message system once used by Lumiia and Stiltian- my mother and his uncle. It became apperant that they were close. Very close. Married. His uncle is my stepfather. Stlian and I are cousins.
It wasn't long after we discovered the happy news that we unveiled a darker truth. I was stolen, not given up. The records are fuzzy.. but at this time it seems that at the same time Stlian's parents went missing, and Stlian and Falcun as well. So they split their search. Stiltian went after the boys, and Lumiia went after me. Not much data past this point. It was surreal. To see these... records. To spy on these people and process who they were. To all at once discover that I have a past.. a place.. origins in this family that didn't abandon me, but loved me, and had me stolen from them... Then knowing that one of this family was right beside me...
...and once again, pulling me back into reality. There was Keren. There was Messy. They were fighting. It was all a blur, as all I could think of was the fear that here three of my friends and protectors were about to kill each other off in front of my eyes. And for what? A misunderstanding.. a false perception of threat caused by my presence. I snapped. I was hardest on Messy, I'm afraid, and blamed him for more than I should have simply because I am not as close to him as I am Stlian and Keren. Moreso because I knew he would not reproach me. It wasn't fair... it was abuse. I controlled myself poorly. Chaos. As the situation quiets, I realize Stlian has been shot in the shoulder. He soon goes to sleep to repair himself, I aide the best I can and let him be. Keren needs to talk to me privately. There was no nice way to get rid of Messy, and so I fell to a less nice way. I note that he and Keren don't play well together.
Keren needs help... because Xanthya needs help. Their romantic relationship seems to be in that in-between I feared, yet there is another layer to the problem. She is experimenting, now, with the dark side. Such is dangerous on its own, but a Zeltron's acute sensitivity to emotion makes it even more unstable of a situation. I don't know how far gone she is, but I intend to find out, later, when my judgement is better. He described so much.. but it was all typical of an outsider's veiw of a fall. This is something I have to see for myself before I can pass judgement. I wish I could say as much for the romantic aspect of the situation, but I'm afraid I'm already biased. I do not like seeing my friends hurt. She has the power to hurt him badly.. and when her moods change, and her minds change, and she can't handle this or that or whatever thing trips the switch... but oh she still loves him anyway! ...it tends to kriff with the mind. A transient nature is hard to reconcile with a steady one.. especially when there is that certain intensity involved that I see in Keren. He says she's different, and though he was the one hurt, he is quicker to forgive than I. I... would have some choice words to share, but to do so would be counter-productive, considering that I would bring Keren greif with it. So I let it go, for now.. though my eye is trained to the heavens, so to speak, for any coming storm.
Keren soon took his leave, but the day wasn't over. Messy. Again. Throughout the conversation with Keren, he was overly suspicious. Kept.. leaping into action at any sign of perceived threat. Called Keren a deciever.. a spy.. an inquisitor.. The tensions toyed with my already strained attempts at self-control, and I'm sorry to say I didn't do right by him in my frustration. When he finally stayed put in the other-room, after a time, I heard an explosion. I hit the dirt of course.. but as I was coming up off the floor, and realized that it was coming from the room he was in, my first thought was that he was killed. That wasn't the case. It was only a small explosion that knocked him unconcious for about a minute. I found myself relieved and irritated. Then.. I stopped thinking of myself. My eyes were opened to what was standing before me. He was actually hurt because he thought he had failed in his duty, and it was because I had been so cruel that he believed this. I was reminded of his humanity. Heh. I was also reminded of the beautiful botanical sample he called a "get-well present", which I'd overlooked before when he came in guns a-blazing. The herbs were not healing ones, but the gesture was nice. I thanked him.. apologized.. then felt sleep start to take me down. I anchored myself to a beam, and asked him not to check on me, but it was unavoidable. He caught me in the middle of an attack. I don't know if he remained there or not, but I asked him again to not watch, and tried to focus it all inside my mind and get it overwith without any visual sign. I fear what he will do with a tangible threat which he percieves... but moreso I fear what may be done about this. This time he tried to shoot the shadows with his blaster. So... I look forward to dealing with this in the morning.
*END*
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Stlian and I... we persued my mother's medical records from my birth on Corellia. He helped me break into the hospital and hack the terminal with an ID I found. He found her. He also found that the doctor who delivered me was Sain, and that he had reported that I died the day I was born. I instantly remembered Zan's words... Sain has had me for a long time... It makes sense now. I'm sorry to say, my emotions blinded me. My first thought was betrayal. He knew all along... just like the alliance, he withheld the story from me. Why? I didn't care at the time. I was overcome. I blacked out.
I wake up confused... disoriented... in a strange place. I realize Stlian is there. He saved me. Jumped out the window with me while I was too blinded in my rage to focus.. to think.. or even to maintain my shroud. I could have gotten us both killed had he not acted quickly. I failed him.
Yet... there was still more road to cover. He found, listed as my mother's sole contact, the name of his uncle. Stiltian Nix. We didn't understand how they could have been connected. Then.. he suggested we dig up the old complex. Well.. he's an archaeoligist.. it's what he does. I was surprised that wasn't the first thing he'd have looked for, yet now, I suppose he was afraid of what he might find. Nevertheless, we set out. Started at Libria, and wandered the outlying areas until... there it was, hiding in plain sight. It was an old, dilapidated bunker. Where it was once surrounded by trees and wilds, a cheap housing development had been built around it. The door did not take much to force, and we made our way through the dusty, abandoned rooms, and down a service laddar, until we found a single terminal that by some miracle is still running. He lent me his sight so that I could search the terminal, and we found no end of personal family records. One such file was a communications log for a message system once used by Lumiia and Stiltian- my mother and his uncle. It became apperant that they were close. Very close. Married. His uncle is my stepfather. Stlian and I are cousins.
It wasn't long after we discovered the happy news that we unveiled a darker truth. I was stolen, not given up. The records are fuzzy.. but at this time it seems that at the same time Stlian's parents went missing, and Stlian and Falcun as well. So they split their search. Stiltian went after the boys, and Lumiia went after me. Not much data past this point. It was surreal. To see these... records. To spy on these people and process who they were. To all at once discover that I have a past.. a place.. origins in this family that didn't abandon me, but loved me, and had me stolen from them... Then knowing that one of this family was right beside me...
...and once again, pulling me back into reality. There was Keren. There was Messy. They were fighting. It was all a blur, as all I could think of was the fear that here three of my friends and protectors were about to kill each other off in front of my eyes. And for what? A misunderstanding.. a false perception of threat caused by my presence. I snapped. I was hardest on Messy, I'm afraid, and blamed him for more than I should have simply because I am not as close to him as I am Stlian and Keren. Moreso because I knew he would not reproach me. It wasn't fair... it was abuse. I controlled myself poorly. Chaos. As the situation quiets, I realize Stlian has been shot in the shoulder. He soon goes to sleep to repair himself, I aide the best I can and let him be. Keren needs to talk to me privately. There was no nice way to get rid of Messy, and so I fell to a less nice way. I note that he and Keren don't play well together.
Keren needs help... because Xanthya needs help. Their romantic relationship seems to be in that in-between I feared, yet there is another layer to the problem. She is experimenting, now, with the dark side. Such is dangerous on its own, but a Zeltron's acute sensitivity to emotion makes it even more unstable of a situation. I don't know how far gone she is, but I intend to find out, later, when my judgement is better. He described so much.. but it was all typical of an outsider's veiw of a fall. This is something I have to see for myself before I can pass judgement. I wish I could say as much for the romantic aspect of the situation, but I'm afraid I'm already biased. I do not like seeing my friends hurt. She has the power to hurt him badly.. and when her moods change, and her minds change, and she can't handle this or that or whatever thing trips the switch... but oh she still loves him anyway! ...it tends to kriff with the mind. A transient nature is hard to reconcile with a steady one.. especially when there is that certain intensity involved that I see in Keren. He says she's different, and though he was the one hurt, he is quicker to forgive than I. I... would have some choice words to share, but to do so would be counter-productive, considering that I would bring Keren greif with it. So I let it go, for now.. though my eye is trained to the heavens, so to speak, for any coming storm.
Keren soon took his leave, but the day wasn't over. Messy. Again. Throughout the conversation with Keren, he was overly suspicious. Kept.. leaping into action at any sign of perceived threat. Called Keren a deciever.. a spy.. an inquisitor.. The tensions toyed with my already strained attempts at self-control, and I'm sorry to say I didn't do right by him in my frustration. When he finally stayed put in the other-room, after a time, I heard an explosion. I hit the dirt of course.. but as I was coming up off the floor, and realized that it was coming from the room he was in, my first thought was that he was killed. That wasn't the case. It was only a small explosion that knocked him unconcious for about a minute. I found myself relieved and irritated. Then.. I stopped thinking of myself. My eyes were opened to what was standing before me. He was actually hurt because he thought he had failed in his duty, and it was because I had been so cruel that he believed this. I was reminded of his humanity. Heh. I was also reminded of the beautiful botanical sample he called a "get-well present", which I'd overlooked before when he came in guns a-blazing. The herbs were not healing ones, but the gesture was nice. I thanked him.. apologized.. then felt sleep start to take me down. I anchored myself to a beam, and asked him not to check on me, but it was unavoidable. He caught me in the middle of an attack. I don't know if he remained there or not, but I asked him again to not watch, and tried to focus it all inside my mind and get it overwith without any visual sign. I fear what he will do with a tangible threat which he percieves... but moreso I fear what may be done about this. This time he tried to shoot the shadows with his blaster. So... I look forward to dealing with this in the morning.
*END*
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