*It's a quiet setting. The wind softly blows. It's not the wild, familiar wind of Dantooine, but the even, droning whistle of northern Corellian weather. The tired, reflective tone remains the same as in any of her old entries from the roof of the Sanctuary on Dantooine. It runs on in pace much in the same way she walks. Fumbling a bit. conserving energy. Taking its time.*
Lots to report. I've been spending more time in meditation than talking to this thing. Stars knows I need it.. and I think I'm even beginning to appreciate it. Lawrence has been helping me to learn the traditional way.. what sets it apart from just letting my thoughts run on by themselves.. why it's important to take time aside for it rather than multitask.. what forms it tends to manifest itself in.. it's more than I thought it was. It's been helping me deal with.. things.
Jaelon warned me that if I didn't pull all the way out of this spice business, then I would only end up slipping further in. Well, it was starting to play out that way, until the force and some good friends intervined. I'd just been going through the motions of losing my mind trying to get away from the flashbang, when I heard a distress call from an old friend, Royth, locked up in the Dantooine Imperial Outpost. With a hair of the dog that bit me, I went off to find him, and we blasted our way out of the facility, and up to the ship where the droid pilot took us home. Back to the base. When we got there, Sayon smelled it on me, and confronted me about it. Then Zan showed up, and the shit hit the fan. Throughout this unexpected intervention, Royth seemed the calmest head. Royth. Royth who always seemed to dwell more on the darkness behind than the light ahead, proved again to be the more level. And from such a hell situation... I thought he had just been captured. It turns out he'd been there for months. Has enough to deal with... didn't need to be dragged into this crap. I just wanted to get out of there, calm down, and take care of everything one-at-a-time and sober. I wasn't thinking or acting rationally, and it wasn't pretty.
I don't know what happened. Maybe seeing what happened to me forced him to see the spice for what it really is, in terms he gave a damn about. In any case, not another bottle of flashbang will hit the streets- least of all by my distribution. Not only am I off the assignment, the assignment is no more. As for the remaining product, it's being respected and used as what it really is- another form of poison. Even still, I'm not to touch it or even gabaki anymore.
I admit, the last one hurt me. The gabaki gave me calm. Peace. ...or at least a pretty good illusion of such. It was a painkiller of the mind. Nevermind that my afflicton was still uncured. For a while, I was numb to its attacks. Pacified. To this, I think, I was addicted- even if the spice itself had little chemical draw. I don't know how I would have handled facing my dreams that first night without it had Sayon not warded off my nightmares. He must have been so disappointed in me... why did he help me? Not only did he guard my weak ass mind until morning, he somehow imprisoned Sain in a crystal- something I can still hardly understand. He was so tired afterward he fell asleep before he ascended a stair. We brought him upstairs to the bunks to crash, but somehow I'd missed him on the way out, and we've yet to speak scince.
The aforementioned crystal, in the meantime, is in Keren's care. He's taken it to a safe place, to "Seperate the vault from the key" in a sense. Keren. Much to report of him, too. It seems in my abscence of mind much has escaped my notice-- he'd had and parted with another woman in that time. This one was not so deep, and he took it better, but it was still sad to see him denied happiness again. He thinks nobody cares. Of course, I don't expect that I said the best thing to help the situation.. *She mocks her own voice* "You think that just because you ain't gettin' any that nobody loves you?" Pff.. Eloquent as always... I meant, of course, whaddatheycallit.... bros before hoes? ....we care, my family and I, and have his back, and he knows it. I think it was even his words once that described our posse as "this highly dysfunctional quasi-family" heheh. Well, yeah.. we're all family. After the initial blunder, we had it understood, and I even took the oppertunity to extend the invitation which has long been in waiting- He accepted, and intends to take his Oath of the Ceterus. Furthermore, he is taking up a new mission.. a sort of anti-imperial crusade... I'll not speak much on that just yet. Still, he is doing it apart from the rebellion, under his own banner.
The 77th is no more. The Alliance deemed it some sort of waste of funding.. Keren is no longer a Captain, and I believe he has left the Alliance entirely. Jerard Blaaq, my old C.O., tried to pull me back in for the old Phantom squadron again. Took me in as a merc, informing me coldly that I no longer need to worry for my duty to the 77th, because it was no more. The chuba-kriffar tried to crack the whip on me. Maybe he caught wind of my following Keren's orders faithfully, and thought I'd serve him so well. Anyway, it turns out that apperantly he's done something kind of illegal in his dealings with me.. something like he's not supposed to use mercenary contracts or what.. I don't know. Or maybe it was the near-suicide-mission he tried to send me on that was the problem... Either way, Keren knows what he's talking about, Blaaq knows what he's talking about, and I hardly know what either is talking about. All I know is "What needs killed, and where do I find it?" Keren intends to have him Court Martialed for what he's done.. yet, for some reason, I find myself worried for him. What the kark? I don't even like him. I know he doesn't like me-- he wants me dead, even, though he won't outright have me killed. Maybe it's because I understand him.. he's a good person, and the only reason he hasn't done right by me is because.... well, I don't know why. All I know is that he thinks me dishonorable, butf or some reason still employs me. I'm expendable. Skilled, but expendable. I expect the details are in the file... which, by the way, is to be declassified to me thanks to Keren. Again, I'm confused.. but at least for this I'm thankful. Finally I'll know what they know.
Speaking of others havong information on me which is concealed from myself... Zan mentioned something about Sain. I'm not sure he meant to let it slip, but he said something about Sain having had me for a long time. I don't know how long I was imprisoned by him, but I don't think that's what he was referring to. It seemed to imply that he'd had me my whole life. It was unsettling. It raised all sorts of questions to me in later hours.. some which I had never even thought to ask myself when I was young. Why has nobody ever seen my mother and father? Why does nobody know how old I am? Why was I alone given up when I apperantly have biological sisters who are gifted with the force as well? Why was the Corra Complex on Lok when the Corra family is of Nabooian nobility? Why was Sain on Lok if he is involved with the Tuskens? Who is Sain? Is he a Tusken? A sith? A fallen Jedi? Something else entirely? Why can Arden give me no straight answer as to why these things are not known? Is it wrong to not take her pacifying advice, let the past be past, and not question any of it? There is no peace.
None of this, at the time, was mentioned of course. Stlian was there, and we were working in the Library. It is coming along well, but that's besides. He had lent me his sight again, and as I re-learned how to read, he was learning more about his power. Absorbing pain. That's how he does it. Through the force, he is allowed to take the afflictions of another upon himself as a way of healing them-- in me he's learned to target my blindness, and allow me to see, sacrificing his own sight. The process is reversable, at least in this instance. There's still much we don't know, scince the ability itself is very much unexplored territory. Yet, it seems that knowing the nature of the affliction helps him to compensate through the force when he takes it on-- when I told him how I became blind, he developed a form of force-sight to make up for it. Aside from the power, I believe he himself has become stronger in a sense. He's been disappearing a lot. I don't begrudge him for that, even though I get the feeling he thinks I do. No. He's been doing good work for others, saved lives from sith and force knows what else. He says he's weaker without his saber Vestige, but I don't believe that. No saber makes him strong-- it's himself by his own right that has the strength.
Anyway, I think, at least for tonight, my thoughts have run dry by now. Glad I got this down at least, but I best be stowing my log for later, when there's more.
*END*
Comments
Lots to report. I've been spending more time in meditation than talking to this thing. Stars knows I need it.. and I think I'm even beginning to appreciate it. Lawrence has been helping me to learn the traditional way.. what sets it apart from just letting my thoughts run on by themselves.. why it's important to take time aside for it rather than multitask.. what forms it tends to manifest itself in.. it's more than I thought it was. It's been helping me deal with.. things.
Jaelon warned me that if I didn't pull all the way out of this spice business, then I would only end up slipping further in. Well, it was starting to play out that way, until the force and some good friends intervined. I'd just been going through the motions of losing my mind trying to get away from the flashbang, when I heard a distress call from an old friend, Royth, locked up in the Dantooine Imperial Outpost. With a hair of the dog that bit me, I went off to find him, and we blasted our way out of the facility, and up to the ship where the droid pilot took us home. Back to the base. When we got there, Sayon smelled it on me, and confronted me about it. Then Zan showed up, and the shit hit the fan. Throughout this unexpected intervention, Royth seemed the calmest head. Royth. Royth who always seemed to dwell more on the darkness behind than the light ahead, proved again to be the more level. And from such a hell situation... I thought he had just been captured. It turns out he'd been there for months. Has enough to deal with... didn't need to be dragged into this crap. I just wanted to get out of there, calm down, and take care of everything one-at-a-time and sober. I wasn't thinking or acting rationally, and it wasn't pretty.
I don't know what happened. Maybe seeing what happened to me forced him to see the spice for what it really is, in terms he gave a damn about. In any case, not another bottle of flashbang will hit the streets- least of all by my distribution. Not only am I off the assignment, the assignment is no more. As for the remaining product, it's being respected and used as what it really is- another form of poison. Even still, I'm not to touch it or even gabaki anymore.
I admit, the last one hurt me. The gabaki gave me calm. Peace. ...or at least a pretty good illusion of such. It was a painkiller of the mind. Nevermind that my afflicton was still uncured. For a while, I was numb to its attacks. Pacified. To this, I think, I was addicted- even if the spice itself had little chemical draw. I don't know how I would have handled facing my dreams that first night without it had Sayon not warded off my nightmares. He must have been so disappointed in me... why did he help me? Not only did he guard my weak ass mind until morning, he somehow imprisoned Sain in a crystal- something I can still hardly understand. He was so tired afterward he fell asleep before he ascended a stair. We brought him upstairs to the bunks to crash, but somehow I'd missed him on the way out, and we've yet to speak scince.
The aforementioned crystal, in the meantime, is in Keren's care. He's taken it to a safe place, to "Seperate the vault from the key" in a sense. Keren. Much to report of him, too. It seems in my abscence of mind much has escaped my notice-- he'd had and parted with another woman in that time. This one was not so deep, and he took it better, but it was still sad to see him denied happiness again. He thinks nobody cares. Of course, I don't expect that I said the best thing to help the situation.. *She mocks her own voice* "You think that just because you ain't gettin' any that nobody loves you?" Pff.. Eloquent as always... I meant, of course, whaddatheycallit.... bros before hoes? ....we care, my family and I, and have his back, and he knows it. I think it was even his words once that described our posse as "this highly dysfunctional quasi-family" heheh. Well, yeah.. we're all family. After the initial blunder, we had it understood, and I even took the oppertunity to extend the invitation which has long been in waiting- He accepted, and intends to take his Oath of the Ceterus. Furthermore, he is taking up a new mission.. a sort of anti-imperial crusade... I'll not speak much on that just yet. Still, he is doing it apart from the rebellion, under his own banner.
The 77th is no more. The Alliance deemed it some sort of waste of funding.. Keren is no longer a Captain, and I believe he has left the Alliance entirely. Jerard Blaaq, my old C.O., tried to pull me back in for the old Phantom squadron again. Took me in as a merc, informing me coldly that I no longer need to worry for my duty to the 77th, because it was no more. The chuba-kriffar tried to crack the whip on me. Maybe he caught wind of my following Keren's orders faithfully, and thought I'd serve him so well. Anyway, it turns out that apperantly he's done something kind of illegal in his dealings with me.. something like he's not supposed to use mercenary contracts or what.. I don't know. Or maybe it was the near-suicide-mission he tried to send me on that was the problem... Either way, Keren knows what he's talking about, Blaaq knows what he's talking about, and I hardly know what either is talking about. All I know is "What needs killed, and where do I find it?" Keren intends to have him Court Martialed for what he's done.. yet, for some reason, I find myself worried for him. What the kark? I don't even like him. I know he doesn't like me-- he wants me dead, even, though he won't outright have me killed. Maybe it's because I understand him.. he's a good person, and the only reason he hasn't done right by me is because.... well, I don't know why. All I know is that he thinks me dishonorable, butf or some reason still employs me. I'm expendable. Skilled, but expendable. I expect the details are in the file... which, by the way, is to be declassified to me thanks to Keren. Again, I'm confused.. but at least for this I'm thankful. Finally I'll know what they know.
Speaking of others havong information on me which is concealed from myself... Zan mentioned something about Sain. I'm not sure he meant to let it slip, but he said something about Sain having had me for a long time. I don't know how long I was imprisoned by him, but I don't think that's what he was referring to. It seemed to imply that he'd had me my whole life. It was unsettling. It raised all sorts of questions to me in later hours.. some which I had never even thought to ask myself when I was young. Why has nobody ever seen my mother and father? Why does nobody know how old I am? Why was I alone given up when I apperantly have biological sisters who are gifted with the force as well? Why was the Corra Complex on Lok when the Corra family is of Nabooian nobility? Why was Sain on Lok if he is involved with the Tuskens? Who is Sain? Is he a Tusken? A sith? A fallen Jedi? Something else entirely? Why can Arden give me no straight answer as to why these things are not known? Is it wrong to not take her pacifying advice, let the past be past, and not question any of it? There is no peace.
None of this, at the time, was mentioned of course. Stlian was there, and we were working in the Library. It is coming along well, but that's besides. He had lent me his sight again, and as I re-learned how to read, he was learning more about his power. Absorbing pain. That's how he does it. Through the force, he is allowed to take the afflictions of another upon himself as a way of healing them-- in me he's learned to target my blindness, and allow me to see, sacrificing his own sight. The process is reversable, at least in this instance. There's still much we don't know, scince the ability itself is very much unexplored territory. Yet, it seems that knowing the nature of the affliction helps him to compensate through the force when he takes it on-- when I told him how I became blind, he developed a form of force-sight to make up for it. Aside from the power, I believe he himself has become stronger in a sense. He's been disappearing a lot. I don't begrudge him for that, even though I get the feeling he thinks I do. No. He's been doing good work for others, saved lives from sith and force knows what else. He says he's weaker without his saber Vestige, but I don't believe that. No saber makes him strong-- it's himself by his own right that has the strength.
Anyway, I think, at least for tonight, my thoughts have run dry by now. Glad I got this down at least, but I best be stowing my log for later, when there's more.
*END*
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