*Her voice sounds a little weaker than usual.*
Lawrence wasn't happy when he found out about my latest stunt. He came to see me after the "party" died, but didn't mention who reported the incident. I know he was ashamed of me.. and really has every right to be. I attacked one of the family in anger. Zan. Zan is not dead.
When he came back, he tried to appear to be a force ghost. Like an idiot, I believed him. Keren called his bluff, and when I finally processed the information, I knew it meant he had to leave.. deliberately. Of all people, I never expected Zan to abandon us.. or me. He says he did it to evade the Empire. He insists that it was something he had to do to keep the Ceterus and White Thunder safe. I didn't want to hear it then. I wasn't thinking.. all I could think of was that he put us through all the hell of thinking he had died, and I wanted to give him a pound of it. I'm really in no place to judge, considering what I've done in the not-so-distant past. Maybe this is was the galaxy's way of giving me my due dose of hell for that. I was forgiven.. so when I look at it that way, it's a little easier to try to forgive Zan. Still, I don't trust myself around him.
I really don't trust myself around anybody anymore. This darkness.. if the force is of currents, I can only describe this as washing over me in waves. Sometimes the sea is quiet, and I can swim through the currents somewhat steadily, and know where I am and what I'm doing. The waves push me, but I can still somewhat control myself. Sometimes, the sea is stormy. The waves are stronger, and higher, and I'm powerless to fight against them- or if I do have any fight in me, I don't get far trying to swim against the current. I never know when one of these rogue waves is going to push me into doing something I'll regret.
All I know is that there isn't always going to be someone around to save me. I was lucky this time. Keren was there to hold me back from Zan. Yes.... Keren. I don't know what I think of him anymore. I know now that he has reasons for doing what he did, and even after all I put him through, he still wants to help me come back. It's no use trying to convince him not to, but I don't feel right taking his help. I don't trust him as much as I should. I know he wouldn't intentionally lie- when he makes a promise, he intends to keep it. I just don't know if I should get my hopes up. What if he fails? What if he has to leave? What if I drag him to the void with me? What if I wear him down so much that he decides he's hit his limit, and that I'm not worth it anymore? What if I end up doing something truly unforgivable, and then...
*She leaves the thought unfinished, and her voice is hshed for a few moments.*
All this speculating isn't good for me.
The bottom line is, he's got enough problems without being dragged into mine. I don't blame him if he leaves. It's just a matter of when, how, and why. I just wish he wouldn't be so dead-set on fighting my war. I made the mistake of telling him about Sain and the Seeds of Darkness. Now he wants to go after him, and find out what happened back there. I couldn't tell him the rest of the story before it hit the fan with Zan, and he doesn't know everything I know. He doesn't know that this guy was obsessed with my project, and if he found me, I don't know what would happen. He doesn't know what effects his experiments had on me- he thinks Sain created the phantom, wheras I know the phantom is of my own creation. He may expect my mind is being controlled, but in reality it has only been altered. Sain planted the seeds of darkness, yes, but I unwittingly nurtured them. Does blaming my darkness on another make it easier to fight for me? Does he know what he's getting into? What will happen, I wonder, when the truth becomes too much to handle?
*END*
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Lawrence wasn't happy when he found out about my latest stunt. He came to see me after the "party" died, but didn't mention who reported the incident. I know he was ashamed of me.. and really has every right to be. I attacked one of the family in anger. Zan. Zan is not dead.
When he came back, he tried to appear to be a force ghost. Like an idiot, I believed him. Keren called his bluff, and when I finally processed the information, I knew it meant he had to leave.. deliberately. Of all people, I never expected Zan to abandon us.. or me. He says he did it to evade the Empire. He insists that it was something he had to do to keep the Ceterus and White Thunder safe. I didn't want to hear it then. I wasn't thinking.. all I could think of was that he put us through all the hell of thinking he had died, and I wanted to give him a pound of it. I'm really in no place to judge, considering what I've done in the not-so-distant past. Maybe this is was the galaxy's way of giving me my due dose of hell for that. I was forgiven.. so when I look at it that way, it's a little easier to try to forgive Zan. Still, I don't trust myself around him.
I really don't trust myself around anybody anymore. This darkness.. if the force is of currents, I can only describe this as washing over me in waves. Sometimes the sea is quiet, and I can swim through the currents somewhat steadily, and know where I am and what I'm doing. The waves push me, but I can still somewhat control myself. Sometimes, the sea is stormy. The waves are stronger, and higher, and I'm powerless to fight against them- or if I do have any fight in me, I don't get far trying to swim against the current. I never know when one of these rogue waves is going to push me into doing something I'll regret.
All I know is that there isn't always going to be someone around to save me. I was lucky this time. Keren was there to hold me back from Zan. Yes.... Keren. I don't know what I think of him anymore. I know now that he has reasons for doing what he did, and even after all I put him through, he still wants to help me come back. It's no use trying to convince him not to, but I don't feel right taking his help. I don't trust him as much as I should. I know he wouldn't intentionally lie- when he makes a promise, he intends to keep it. I just don't know if I should get my hopes up. What if he fails? What if he has to leave? What if I drag him to the void with me? What if I wear him down so much that he decides he's hit his limit, and that I'm not worth it anymore? What if I end up doing something truly unforgivable, and then...
*She leaves the thought unfinished, and her voice is hshed for a few moments.*
All this speculating isn't good for me.
The bottom line is, he's got enough problems without being dragged into mine. I don't blame him if he leaves. It's just a matter of when, how, and why. I just wish he wouldn't be so dead-set on fighting my war. I made the mistake of telling him about Sain and the Seeds of Darkness. Now he wants to go after him, and find out what happened back there. I couldn't tell him the rest of the story before it hit the fan with Zan, and he doesn't know everything I know. He doesn't know that this guy was obsessed with my project, and if he found me, I don't know what would happen. He doesn't know what effects his experiments had on me- he thinks Sain created the phantom, wheras I know the phantom is of my own creation. He may expect my mind is being controlled, but in reality it has only been altered. Sain planted the seeds of darkness, yes, but I unwittingly nurtured them. Does blaming my darkness on another make it easier to fight for me? Does he know what he's getting into? What will happen, I wonder, when the truth becomes too much to handle?
*END*
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