So much to report.. I haven't updated this in a long time. Been resting, mostly. Seems I make up for my lack of activity tenfold, though, when you consider the mischeif I've been getting into when I do venture out. If I was a magnet for chaos before, in recent weeks, I'm close to being a black hole. Yet.. I still find myself enjoying it, after the danger has passed.
Need to be careful, though. Aside from for the obvious reasons, I mean. I'm getting to be off my game. Last time I ventured out, I was caught. Thankfully, I was caught by a friend. Royth has been back for a bit. Oh of all people to catch me... Why do I get the feeling that he grows new grey hairs every time we meet? Such a rediculous thing it must have seemed, too, finding me stealing gowns from Nabooian noblewomen's bedchambers. Well we ended up locked inside the room. No sooner did I complete my overly-elaborate escape-to-the-lower-room plan..... did my father bust in, kicking the door down, to join the mixing of it up.
Have I told you about my father yet? My god, that still sounds strange to say... surreal, almost. I'm pretty sure I'm using that word right. Stiltian Nix, Stlian's uncle, married my mother Lumiia, and raised me as his own in my infanthood before I was kidnapped by Sain, and later hidden by the Alliance in the Corra Complex n Lok. Everyone thought Stiltian was long dead...... until the day our paths crossed in Mos Espa. I was running from a contraband-patroller of all things, and I was too tired to stay shrouded in the force for long. I might have run or hidden when he found me there, but I was weak and worn out, and besides, a queer feeling crept in. Familiarity.. love.. family.. from a stranger? He spoke to me, and while I can't for the life of me remember his exact words, I heard his intentions through his voice as if speaking was a mere formality. It's a queer feeling.. to be a fully grown woman.. and still hear like a child. All this time he'd been looking for me, and while he knows I'm no saint, I get the feeling he still sees the innocent baby I was when he looks at me. He calls himself a crazy old man. Well, heh, maybe he is, but crazy is par for the course. We're all mad here... I'm not all there myself. I look forward to getting to know him better.
Seems that trailing me to my heist was his idea of spending quality time, hehe. Can't say it didn't prove to be. And after all.. he did space those guards with that fabled electric judgement. Pretty dramatically, I might add. Heh.. I feel I now know who may have influenced me to favor the theatrical. We picked their pockets afterward.. much to Royth's dismay. Almost felt guilty for that one.. partially because Royth is one of the few who has a nack for making me feel guilty, partially because it felt like we were pushing our luck by sticking around. We filed out of the building, and though some rebel patrolls caught us outside, they recognized Stiltian and Royth, and let us go. Thank goodness they didn't recognise meand change their minds.. but that's another story.
We got back to Casa Verdant. Hid out. Dropped off the loot. Made tea. Talked with my father a while, about the past.. and finding my mother. It makes me wonder.. there's a lot of galaxy, but what are the chances that she and he would just.. lose touch? It doesn't fit. It makes me worry.. not only even because I might not ever know her, but because I find myself caring.
I mean.. of course I care. It would be wrong not to, right? Yet it's more complicated than that. Sort of like how it is with my father. How do I even start to explain? In my life, I've adopted this family around me. I've said before that I consider my caregiver Arden a mother.. Master Muaarga a father.. Zan and Keren brothers... Jordan a sister... and of course my married family, my husband Lawrence and my children Ash and Pockets... you get the idea. They were bonds formed through love, and trust, and the true spirit of family. Yet.. now, discovering this new kin, I care for them as family as well. It's almost like when I found my sister.. well half-sister, I've discovered now.. Cesada. I loved her, though I barely knew her. Even still, that was a little different. I had no sister. Now.. it almost seems it's not fair. I don't want the others to feel I'm replacing them. I'm afraid that say if I get closer to my father, or my birth-mother if I ever find her, that say Muaarga or Arden will think I no longer look up to them, or that it's not fair that I should care for Stiltian and Lumiia as I do when I haven't known them for so long. Yet.. I can't help whom I love.
I know Stiltan loves me, at least, and I can tell that he still loves my mother. I have a feeling we can find her with the help of Zan's Grandfather, but then.. I'm not sure how teh two will get along. As I understand it, they were on oppisite sides of the Clone Wars.... and in the same battle at least once. I can't help but wonder at how that will go.
Never got a chance to mention that to him, though. Was just about to... then Royth found my stash. Void.. that was rough. Last time he saw me, before he left, I was flipped out on spice something bad. For him to find that jar of laced gabaki under the couch just brought up all sorts of awful. Not that he was terribly harsh, or even really preachy.. it was worse. He just seemed angry, but not even rage angry.. that almost betrayed, hurt angry. Now.. to be perfectly clear, I don't take spcie anymore now. Even Gabaki I'm not touching because of the baby. I keep the spice as medicine for others these days. Eventually this was made apperant, and Royth and Stiltian conceded to letting me keep it locked up in the house. Soon after, Stiltian went to bed, and Royth and I talked a while longer until he had to go.
There's some kriffed up shite going on with his old master. He killed her pretty dead.. but apperantly she's been popping up and raising hell. Actually hurting people. Spirit? Clone? Shadow? He doesn't know how she's doing it.. but it's happening. I don't think he would be mistaken in this respect. It's unsettling, to say the least. I can only imagine how he stays sane with this kind of thought nagging at the back of his head.
Well.. he did give me a bit of a clue. It turns out these long abscences of his are actually long meditation sessions of some kind. There are times when he does lose control, and then, he goes out on these journeys that can last just a few days.. or a few months.. or weeks.... I don't know, I didn't understand it all at the time, but I guess he just meditates until he gets his head straight again. The closest thing I can identify it with is sorta' like the self-exiles I embark on when I feel myself slipping. But different. He says he'll show me sometime what he means.
Oh yeah, I did eventually end up having to explain myself about the heist. Seemed to understand well enough why I did it, but still, he'd rather I'd asked him. I.. I dunno, I just don't feel right asking others for help like that. It goes back, way back, and it's hard. It's like I'm wasting too much.. like I'm taking too much.. but it never occured to me that I might be taking more from them by putting myself in danger. I gave him Word of Oath to not be so reckless when my friends and family could just as well take care of me. It reminded me of something Muaarga said, when we were visiting Oneed's library. We were talking about darkness, and what turns one away from it, and he said that to find an anchor helped. My anchor, it seems, has always been the people I care about. My family. Even if I didn't know it. In so many ways, they'd turned me away from darkness or harm without my even realizing it... that the love gave me enough strength to hold on to my values and do right for them. Well.. here it was again. A friend of mine, turning me away from trouble, and making me realize that maybe there's another side to this caring thing that I didn't even think of before.
Wound down that night making potions before I took my rest. Sayon wandered in, thinking he was heading to some cantina on Tattooine. Tattooine. Eh... makes me worry about him lately. Last couple times I seen him, his head's been in the clouds higher than a tabanna gas miner. He says he feels something big coming.. but then he's no prophet. Paranoia is what he chalks it up to. Could be. Then again, you know what they say. It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
We talked for a long time that night. One of the things that came up was, of course, Sain. I told him about my problems with energy.. he suggested something that I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole if I didn't trust his expertise on the matter so much. Nothing is more radiant than a soul, he says.. and we have one trapped in a crystal at our command. In essence, he suggested that I use the trapped Sain as a battery- drain energy from the crystal to sustain myself. He assured me that there's absolutely no way he could get out, or corrupt the energy. Well.. there is one way.. but he said it involved, quote, "virgin blood and three skilled forcers". Not.. something that's going to happen. Definitely something that would have to be done deliberately. Apperantly, I am now the one in control. I... am in control of Sain... But I ramble. The crystal is in Keren's posession, now, so I will have to ask for it from him.
I was going to want it anyway. Muaarga and I were going to look into it.. see if we could get information from him. Yet another thing that came up during our study in Oneed's library.
A fascinating place, by the way, and one I intend to visit often. He has archives left over from the old order, as well as some things he's recovered scince then. Oneed is one of Stiltian's friends. He used to be the head of a grey order, before Stlian took charge of it, and... ran it into the ground? I'm still fuzzy on the details. But in any case, he's going to help us as well I think. Next time I see him, I have to tell him about the White Thunder network and see if he's interested. His knowledge and experience combined with our own knowledge could work well for both of us.
There's also a book there, Muaarga showed me. About Vapaad. Anotehr thing I have to learn more about. Zan had mentioned Vapaad in the past, but our records were incomplete. Muaarga, it seems, has experience with it too. A lot of experience. I never knew it before, but he was almost fallen once, too, and practicing Vapaad taught him to channel the darkness into something positive, and saved him. He says the same thing will work for me. It's something we'll have to work on...
...but for now, rest. I'm venturing out in the morining. Have to be ready. Hopefully I'll be more on my game this time around.
*END*
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Need to be careful, though. Aside from for the obvious reasons, I mean. I'm getting to be off my game. Last time I ventured out, I was caught. Thankfully, I was caught by a friend. Royth has been back for a bit. Oh of all people to catch me... Why do I get the feeling that he grows new grey hairs every time we meet? Such a rediculous thing it must have seemed, too, finding me stealing gowns from Nabooian noblewomen's bedchambers. Well we ended up locked inside the room. No sooner did I complete my overly-elaborate escape-to-the-lower-room plan..... did my father bust in, kicking the door down, to join the mixing of it up.
Have I told you about my father yet? My god, that still sounds strange to say... surreal, almost. I'm pretty sure I'm using that word right. Stiltian Nix, Stlian's uncle, married my mother Lumiia, and raised me as his own in my infanthood before I was kidnapped by Sain, and later hidden by the Alliance in the Corra Complex n Lok. Everyone thought Stiltian was long dead...... until the day our paths crossed in Mos Espa. I was running from a contraband-patroller of all things, and I was too tired to stay shrouded in the force for long. I might have run or hidden when he found me there, but I was weak and worn out, and besides, a queer feeling crept in. Familiarity.. love.. family.. from a stranger? He spoke to me, and while I can't for the life of me remember his exact words, I heard his intentions through his voice as if speaking was a mere formality. It's a queer feeling.. to be a fully grown woman.. and still hear like a child. All this time he'd been looking for me, and while he knows I'm no saint, I get the feeling he still sees the innocent baby I was when he looks at me. He calls himself a crazy old man. Well, heh, maybe he is, but crazy is par for the course. We're all mad here... I'm not all there myself. I look forward to getting to know him better.
Seems that trailing me to my heist was his idea of spending quality time, hehe. Can't say it didn't prove to be. And after all.. he did space those guards with that fabled electric judgement. Pretty dramatically, I might add. Heh.. I feel I now know who may have influenced me to favor the theatrical. We picked their pockets afterward.. much to Royth's dismay. Almost felt guilty for that one.. partially because Royth is one of the few who has a nack for making me feel guilty, partially because it felt like we were pushing our luck by sticking around. We filed out of the building, and though some rebel patrolls caught us outside, they recognized Stiltian and Royth, and let us go. Thank goodness they didn't recognise meand change their minds.. but that's another story.
We got back to Casa Verdant. Hid out. Dropped off the loot. Made tea. Talked with my father a while, about the past.. and finding my mother. It makes me wonder.. there's a lot of galaxy, but what are the chances that she and he would just.. lose touch? It doesn't fit. It makes me worry.. not only even because I might not ever know her, but because I find myself caring.
I mean.. of course I care. It would be wrong not to, right? Yet it's more complicated than that. Sort of like how it is with my father. How do I even start to explain? In my life, I've adopted this family around me. I've said before that I consider my caregiver Arden a mother.. Master Muaarga a father.. Zan and Keren brothers... Jordan a sister... and of course my married family, my husband Lawrence and my children Ash and Pockets... you get the idea. They were bonds formed through love, and trust, and the true spirit of family. Yet.. now, discovering this new kin, I care for them as family as well. It's almost like when I found my sister.. well half-sister, I've discovered now.. Cesada. I loved her, though I barely knew her. Even still, that was a little different. I had no sister. Now.. it almost seems it's not fair. I don't want the others to feel I'm replacing them. I'm afraid that say if I get closer to my father, or my birth-mother if I ever find her, that say Muaarga or Arden will think I no longer look up to them, or that it's not fair that I should care for Stiltian and Lumiia as I do when I haven't known them for so long. Yet.. I can't help whom I love.
I know Stiltan loves me, at least, and I can tell that he still loves my mother. I have a feeling we can find her with the help of Zan's Grandfather, but then.. I'm not sure how teh two will get along. As I understand it, they were on oppisite sides of the Clone Wars.... and in the same battle at least once. I can't help but wonder at how that will go.
Never got a chance to mention that to him, though. Was just about to... then Royth found my stash. Void.. that was rough. Last time he saw me, before he left, I was flipped out on spice something bad. For him to find that jar of laced gabaki under the couch just brought up all sorts of awful. Not that he was terribly harsh, or even really preachy.. it was worse. He just seemed angry, but not even rage angry.. that almost betrayed, hurt angry. Now.. to be perfectly clear, I don't take spcie anymore now. Even Gabaki I'm not touching because of the baby. I keep the spice as medicine for others these days. Eventually this was made apperant, and Royth and Stiltian conceded to letting me keep it locked up in the house. Soon after, Stiltian went to bed, and Royth and I talked a while longer until he had to go.
There's some kriffed up shite going on with his old master. He killed her pretty dead.. but apperantly she's been popping up and raising hell. Actually hurting people. Spirit? Clone? Shadow? He doesn't know how she's doing it.. but it's happening. I don't think he would be mistaken in this respect. It's unsettling, to say the least. I can only imagine how he stays sane with this kind of thought nagging at the back of his head.
Well.. he did give me a bit of a clue. It turns out these long abscences of his are actually long meditation sessions of some kind. There are times when he does lose control, and then, he goes out on these journeys that can last just a few days.. or a few months.. or weeks.... I don't know, I didn't understand it all at the time, but I guess he just meditates until he gets his head straight again. The closest thing I can identify it with is sorta' like the self-exiles I embark on when I feel myself slipping. But different. He says he'll show me sometime what he means.
Oh yeah, I did eventually end up having to explain myself about the heist. Seemed to understand well enough why I did it, but still, he'd rather I'd asked him. I.. I dunno, I just don't feel right asking others for help like that. It goes back, way back, and it's hard. It's like I'm wasting too much.. like I'm taking too much.. but it never occured to me that I might be taking more from them by putting myself in danger. I gave him Word of Oath to not be so reckless when my friends and family could just as well take care of me. It reminded me of something Muaarga said, when we were visiting Oneed's library. We were talking about darkness, and what turns one away from it, and he said that to find an anchor helped. My anchor, it seems, has always been the people I care about. My family. Even if I didn't know it. In so many ways, they'd turned me away from darkness or harm without my even realizing it... that the love gave me enough strength to hold on to my values and do right for them. Well.. here it was again. A friend of mine, turning me away from trouble, and making me realize that maybe there's another side to this caring thing that I didn't even think of before.
Wound down that night making potions before I took my rest. Sayon wandered in, thinking he was heading to some cantina on Tattooine. Tattooine. Eh... makes me worry about him lately. Last couple times I seen him, his head's been in the clouds higher than a tabanna gas miner. He says he feels something big coming.. but then he's no prophet. Paranoia is what he chalks it up to. Could be. Then again, you know what they say. It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
We talked for a long time that night. One of the things that came up was, of course, Sain. I told him about my problems with energy.. he suggested something that I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole if I didn't trust his expertise on the matter so much. Nothing is more radiant than a soul, he says.. and we have one trapped in a crystal at our command. In essence, he suggested that I use the trapped Sain as a battery- drain energy from the crystal to sustain myself. He assured me that there's absolutely no way he could get out, or corrupt the energy. Well.. there is one way.. but he said it involved, quote, "virgin blood and three skilled forcers". Not.. something that's going to happen. Definitely something that would have to be done deliberately. Apperantly, I am now the one in control. I... am in control of Sain... But I ramble. The crystal is in Keren's posession, now, so I will have to ask for it from him.
I was going to want it anyway. Muaarga and I were going to look into it.. see if we could get information from him. Yet another thing that came up during our study in Oneed's library.
A fascinating place, by the way, and one I intend to visit often. He has archives left over from the old order, as well as some things he's recovered scince then. Oneed is one of Stiltian's friends. He used to be the head of a grey order, before Stlian took charge of it, and... ran it into the ground? I'm still fuzzy on the details. But in any case, he's going to help us as well I think. Next time I see him, I have to tell him about the White Thunder network and see if he's interested. His knowledge and experience combined with our own knowledge could work well for both of us.
There's also a book there, Muaarga showed me. About Vapaad. Anotehr thing I have to learn more about. Zan had mentioned Vapaad in the past, but our records were incomplete. Muaarga, it seems, has experience with it too. A lot of experience. I never knew it before, but he was almost fallen once, too, and practicing Vapaad taught him to channel the darkness into something positive, and saved him. He says the same thing will work for me. It's something we'll have to work on...
...but for now, rest. I'm venturing out in the morining. Have to be ready. Hopefully I'll be more on my game this time around.
*END*
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