I fired a blaster today, for the first time in years. I never liked using blasters. They're so... absolute. You shoot, it makes a hole. With my staff, I can adapt. I can push back an enemy, or throw him off-balance, or break bones, or strike to kill. If I should attack with a blaster, I would be shooting to kill. The end. It's not something that has worked out well for me in the past...
*Her voice trails off, and goes silent, as she remembers a day years ago when she all but swore she'd never use a gun again. The silence is broken as suddenly she changes the subject.*
Keren apologised. I was confused at first. I never quite grasped the concept of apology. I know it only as something a dishonest man uses to get back into the good graces of his superiors, or to charm an honest soul for whatever reason. Keren is no such creature, and wouldn't be caught at such a trick. Furthermore, I am his subordinate, and quite a dishonest soul myself. When he let me know he was sorry for being so harsh when he questioned me, it made me think that maybe there was something more to apology than a charming trick, and maybe it's something that means we are to genuinely move on from the past.
We actually cleared up much of our misunderstanding- even regarding my file. That file was much weight off my mind. For one, to know that he had not seen t in its entirety. For another that there's a chance it could be declassified to me. I'm not clear on exactly what he can and cannot do legally, in the eyes of the Alliance. I'm putting it this way- whatever he does do to get this file to me, I am thankful for.
When it came time to do the shooting, we went up to the ship. He handed me a weapon that should hav been familiar to me, but I completely failed to recognise it. It's a gopod thing he set it on low power before he handed it to me, because a few stray bolts shot off. When he helped me handle it right-side, I found that it was none other than a good old fashioned E-11. He showed me where the controls were, and how to hold the thing. Then he set up some training droids.
I'm not gonna lie. I stalled. He asked me about how my sight worked, and that was a good bit of time. I gave him a basic rundown, and used a couple of plants that I was carrying to help illustrate my point. He doesn't sense plants, much, so he says! Well, I couldn't hear that. I took the pouch of seeds I was carrying that day, and made a gift of them to him. Maybe he could spend a moment or to with that all, and find out a bit about it. Of course.. now that I think about it.. no doubt he might ask just what is wrong with a few of them once he gets to being able to tell the difference. I might have a bit of explaining to do.
By the time we got off the subject of plants, and remembered the task at hand, I had already scoped out those stubborn droids the best I could. I pictured the motion a few times in my head, then put it into practice. Three shots, and they hit their marks well. I was surprised myself. Yet, when Keren asked how I did it, I had to confess my technique. Practice, we agreed, would be best. He noted Xanthya's success, having never fired a blaster before in her life. Without thinking, I said I figured she had the force to guide her.
I suppose I hit on something I shouldn't have, 'cause I had to explain this time why I couldn't trust that the force would do the same for me. It's just not my place in the galaxy to be the honest sort. It all comes down to that if a person has the power to do a thing, then it's his duty to do his best by it. I've always had the feeling that so much means it's my duty to do the dirty work as long as I have a shred of sanity to keep myself doing it for the right reasons. Had I any desire to turn away from that, and be the good honest jedi I might be? The same sort of desire, I said, as I had to draw away from the war somewhere safe like I did in Virantis. The same sort of desire, Keren compared, as he had to run off with Xanthya and do the same sort of thing. All mighty peaceful ways to carry, but in the long run, just not our proper duty.
Yet that only hit a more sesitive nerve- the one that didn't want Xanthya to end up sacrificed to duty. Her place in the unit seemed a mighty fine fit. He can be close enough to fight off anything that'd get at her, she could be close enough to fix him up after he gets shot up or something. They're each in the best position to do the best they can by each-other. Yet, Keren seems to be haunted by the fact that maybe his best ain't gonna cut it, and I'm not sure if my answer to that was more comforting or disheartening. His best may not be enough to serve his means, but it's enough to serve the force's. When a fellow's done the best he can, the rest is up to fate, and the blame lies with it and not him. You just have to trust it, more or less. I used to believe that fate rewarded such faith in this life, I said to him, maybe he can believe that still.
*END*
Comments
*Her voice trails off, and goes silent, as she remembers a day years ago when she all but swore she'd never use a gun again. The silence is broken as suddenly she changes the subject.*
Keren apologised. I was confused at first. I never quite grasped the concept of apology. I know it only as something a dishonest man uses to get back into the good graces of his superiors, or to charm an honest soul for whatever reason. Keren is no such creature, and wouldn't be caught at such a trick. Furthermore, I am his subordinate, and quite a dishonest soul myself. When he let me know he was sorry for being so harsh when he questioned me, it made me think that maybe there was something more to apology than a charming trick, and maybe it's something that means we are to genuinely move on from the past.
We actually cleared up much of our misunderstanding- even regarding my file. That file was much weight off my mind. For one, to know that he had not seen t in its entirety. For another that there's a chance it could be declassified to me. I'm not clear on exactly what he can and cannot do legally, in the eyes of the Alliance. I'm putting it this way- whatever he does do to get this file to me, I am thankful for.
When it came time to do the shooting, we went up to the ship. He handed me a weapon that should hav been familiar to me, but I completely failed to recognise it. It's a gopod thing he set it on low power before he handed it to me, because a few stray bolts shot off. When he helped me handle it right-side, I found that it was none other than a good old fashioned E-11. He showed me where the controls were, and how to hold the thing. Then he set up some training droids.
I'm not gonna lie. I stalled. He asked me about how my sight worked, and that was a good bit of time. I gave him a basic rundown, and used a couple of plants that I was carrying to help illustrate my point. He doesn't sense plants, much, so he says! Well, I couldn't hear that. I took the pouch of seeds I was carrying that day, and made a gift of them to him. Maybe he could spend a moment or to with that all, and find out a bit about it. Of course.. now that I think about it.. no doubt he might ask just what is wrong with a few of them once he gets to being able to tell the difference. I might have a bit of explaining to do.
By the time we got off the subject of plants, and remembered the task at hand, I had already scoped out those stubborn droids the best I could. I pictured the motion a few times in my head, then put it into practice. Three shots, and they hit their marks well. I was surprised myself. Yet, when Keren asked how I did it, I had to confess my technique. Practice, we agreed, would be best. He noted Xanthya's success, having never fired a blaster before in her life. Without thinking, I said I figured she had the force to guide her.
I suppose I hit on something I shouldn't have, 'cause I had to explain this time why I couldn't trust that the force would do the same for me. It's just not my place in the galaxy to be the honest sort. It all comes down to that if a person has the power to do a thing, then it's his duty to do his best by it. I've always had the feeling that so much means it's my duty to do the dirty work as long as I have a shred of sanity to keep myself doing it for the right reasons. Had I any desire to turn away from that, and be the good honest jedi I might be? The same sort of desire, I said, as I had to draw away from the war somewhere safe like I did in Virantis. The same sort of desire, Keren compared, as he had to run off with Xanthya and do the same sort of thing. All mighty peaceful ways to carry, but in the long run, just not our proper duty.
Yet that only hit a more sesitive nerve- the one that didn't want Xanthya to end up sacrificed to duty. Her place in the unit seemed a mighty fine fit. He can be close enough to fight off anything that'd get at her, she could be close enough to fix him up after he gets shot up or something. They're each in the best position to do the best they can by each-other. Yet, Keren seems to be haunted by the fact that maybe his best ain't gonna cut it, and I'm not sure if my answer to that was more comforting or disheartening. His best may not be enough to serve his means, but it's enough to serve the force's. When a fellow's done the best he can, the rest is up to fate, and the blame lies with it and not him. You just have to trust it, more or less. I used to believe that fate rewarded such faith in this life, I said to him, maybe he can believe that still.
*END*
Comments
No comments:
Post a Comment