I heard something today that I have to remember:
"A friend is someone who will sing you your own song when you forget the words."
Caelorn says it's a Corellian saying. He brought it up when I likened remembering the force to remembering a song. He's come out of hiding again, see, and his powers are... rusty. He's shut himself off from the force so much, so that he wouldn't be found, that he's lost touch with it. It's the second time scince I've known him that he's been blinded to the force, but this time is different. The first time was intentional, after having killed a friend who had turned to the dark side. I expect that then, scince he had numbed himself intentionally, that it was easier to undo the damage. This time it seems he has to work his way back up- that the force is chaos to him again.
*She continues in a bit of a confused and contemplative tone*
Theres a time when it's not chaos? Well, apperantly he had found some unchaotoic place in the force, and now that he's back in chaos, it reminds him of a darker place I never would have known he had been in. He told me why he doesn't kill. He was right.. it seems we've sung a few bars in common... but his path led him to carry on a different tune. He told me about how he had trained under this master who turned out to be a darksider, and was trying to take him to the dark side. In the end, Caelorn had to kill him. He turned away from violence because it's too easy to be led to it, and he knows how much darkness comes with it. These are my words, not his, but that's how I understand it. It's hard to understand him at times.. I swear sometimes I see this philosophical streak come out that just baffles me, and once he gets going it's hard to keep up.
I wonder, now that I think about it, if this old friend who had turned to the dark side and this dark master are one and the same. Though I can't remember the name now, I know it sounded a little familiar. I didn't ask, though, scince he asked how things were going in Virantis.
*She resumes her normal tone as she begins to talk about more familiar things.*
I guess he didn't know that I've been here all this time, so we got to talking about that, and the subject changed to the trouble with Ashla's empathy. She's almost too perceptive, and as I said to him, it's hard for me to answer her questions. I try to calm her down, but I'm afraid I scare her. He says that just being there for her as a parent helps. Well.. I suppose I'm doing a better job of it than my birth-parents did. I often wondered if they could feel the force like I can. I wondered if they could have answered the questions I had that I looked desperately in Arden's books for. Arden tried, goodness knows. I've asked her about it, too. She says she'd never seen the beat of me for questions until Ash began to talk. Her way was this- settle me down, and show me a new book the next day. Well, Ashla can't read yet.... so until then, we have our dillemma. As I asked: What do you do with a child who knows almost everything, but understands almost nothing?
Lawrence II is different. He's not as perceptive, but he's all think- he's all plotting and scheming. He'll pick up on something, and he'll just sit and stare, and think, and figure out how to get to, inside, or out of whatever he's thinking about. Two speeds- raw instinct, and mission mode. The one is spazzy, but the other almost makes me wonder if he's really about nine or ten in his head, though I know it's more likely about five or six like his sister.
It's hard to pin down their developement, with them being only half twi'lek, and my only knowing how to measure in human years. Not to mention that Lawrence turned out to be a different species entirely from what I thought he was... but that's another story. In any case, I had a scary thought. Teenagers. Caelorn reminded me that eventually they will turn into teenagers. That isn't the part that scared me so much as he said they were following in my footsteps. I would be proud if I wasn't so unsure about where my own foosteps are leading me. As of now.. I'm not sure I want them to follow where I've been.
*END*
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"A friend is someone who will sing you your own song when you forget the words."
Caelorn says it's a Corellian saying. He brought it up when I likened remembering the force to remembering a song. He's come out of hiding again, see, and his powers are... rusty. He's shut himself off from the force so much, so that he wouldn't be found, that he's lost touch with it. It's the second time scince I've known him that he's been blinded to the force, but this time is different. The first time was intentional, after having killed a friend who had turned to the dark side. I expect that then, scince he had numbed himself intentionally, that it was easier to undo the damage. This time it seems he has to work his way back up- that the force is chaos to him again.
*She continues in a bit of a confused and contemplative tone*
Theres a time when it's not chaos? Well, apperantly he had found some unchaotoic place in the force, and now that he's back in chaos, it reminds him of a darker place I never would have known he had been in. He told me why he doesn't kill. He was right.. it seems we've sung a few bars in common... but his path led him to carry on a different tune. He told me about how he had trained under this master who turned out to be a darksider, and was trying to take him to the dark side. In the end, Caelorn had to kill him. He turned away from violence because it's too easy to be led to it, and he knows how much darkness comes with it. These are my words, not his, but that's how I understand it. It's hard to understand him at times.. I swear sometimes I see this philosophical streak come out that just baffles me, and once he gets going it's hard to keep up.
I wonder, now that I think about it, if this old friend who had turned to the dark side and this dark master are one and the same. Though I can't remember the name now, I know it sounded a little familiar. I didn't ask, though, scince he asked how things were going in Virantis.
*She resumes her normal tone as she begins to talk about more familiar things.*
I guess he didn't know that I've been here all this time, so we got to talking about that, and the subject changed to the trouble with Ashla's empathy. She's almost too perceptive, and as I said to him, it's hard for me to answer her questions. I try to calm her down, but I'm afraid I scare her. He says that just being there for her as a parent helps. Well.. I suppose I'm doing a better job of it than my birth-parents did. I often wondered if they could feel the force like I can. I wondered if they could have answered the questions I had that I looked desperately in Arden's books for. Arden tried, goodness knows. I've asked her about it, too. She says she'd never seen the beat of me for questions until Ash began to talk. Her way was this- settle me down, and show me a new book the next day. Well, Ashla can't read yet.... so until then, we have our dillemma. As I asked: What do you do with a child who knows almost everything, but understands almost nothing?
Lawrence II is different. He's not as perceptive, but he's all think- he's all plotting and scheming. He'll pick up on something, and he'll just sit and stare, and think, and figure out how to get to, inside, or out of whatever he's thinking about. Two speeds- raw instinct, and mission mode. The one is spazzy, but the other almost makes me wonder if he's really about nine or ten in his head, though I know it's more likely about five or six like his sister.
It's hard to pin down their developement, with them being only half twi'lek, and my only knowing how to measure in human years. Not to mention that Lawrence turned out to be a different species entirely from what I thought he was... but that's another story. In any case, I had a scary thought. Teenagers. Caelorn reminded me that eventually they will turn into teenagers. That isn't the part that scared me so much as he said they were following in my footsteps. I would be proud if I wasn't so unsure about where my own foosteps are leading me. As of now.. I'm not sure I want them to follow where I've been.
*END*
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